Fear is a muscle that needs training too!

I think one of my favourite things is to see, better yet help, someone overcome a fear. 

To see the moment prior and the moment after and the seismic shift that comes about from the doing, the acting, the overcoming. It’s magic. 

My mum came to visit me in Switzerland a few weeks back. It had been booked a couple of months prior, with an excitement and a happiness that comes with organising a trip to reunite a mother and daughter that hadn’t seen each other for a few months AND especially after a big life changing decision like relocating to a new country. But as the time drew closer I knew it would be a challenging time for mum. She hadn’t been abroad for a long time and hadn’t flown solo for close to 20 years. I knew there would be a lot of anxiety, a lot of nerves, a lot of fear. A lot of questioning if she was capable, if she really wanted to do it, if she could. 

A Fear of the Unknown.

As the countdown to mum’s trip turned to single figures I could hear and see the visible switch from excitement to worry. She hadn’t done something this big and this challenging since… forever! And she’d be the first to admit that as she’s gotten older, with more health concerns, it’s become harder to push through and deal with things she’s not familiar with.

How was the dog going to be at the sitters? Would she be able to get to the airport okay, navigate security, find her gate, manage her bags? Understandable concerns of course, but also all things that could only really be answered in the doing of them! 

Ahhh that doing scary stuff malarkey! If training our body is a 2x per week habit, I feel like overcoming fear should be at least that too. Doing stuff that scares us is HARD. No doubt. Especially as we age. But it becomes notoriously harder the less we practice. To overcome is a verb, an action. And big or small, doing things that regularly take us out of our comfort zone starts to embed not only a belief but a knowing that, 

on the other side of fear a whole world of opportunity, experiences and adventures await.

Because whilst fear feels anything but good the sense of accomplishment of achieving something hard and scary feels expansive. Addictive. Like living fully!

But mum wasn’t to that good part yet :)

The day of her trip arrived and she was right in the midst of fear city! However, having committed to the holiday, there was nothing left to do but actually Do. The. Thing! The backing out time had passed and all that remained was to put one foot in front of the other, focus on the next “to do” and get herself here. Which she did (with just one minor airport breakdown! ;))

HUGE fear overcome. Amazing!! The reward? Precious mum and daughter time, a quiet sense of pride and a relaxing break in Switzerland. 

WIN!

The week flew by with coffee shop stops, sight seeing, lots of chats and glorious sunshine. I got to take mum everywhere I’d planned and she had done everything she wanted… bar one thing! A cold lake dip!

Now to set the scene my mum is a pisces. She LOVES water. If I was forced to choose between the ocean and the mountains, I’d go mountains (right now at least) but mum would firmly be in the ocean camp. Planning the trip here, “swimming costume” had been first on the recommended packing list, as our apartment is just 3 minutes walk from the beautiful Lake Walensee (still not sure how we managed that). I knew mum would absolutely love it there. “Oh yes” she’d said “I definitely want to go for a dip in the lake!”

We’d headed to the lake in the first couple days of her arrival. She’d gone in waist deep and whilst there had been a desire to go in further she’d chosen not too, feeling a bit unsure and unsteady under foot and uncertain how her body would react to the cold. “I’ll do it later in the week” she said. 

No problem.

Sunday came around (her last day here) and we all headed to the lake for the morning. Mum wanted to go for swim. She got waist deep again and stopped. I could see she was scared to go further. Waist deep was her comfort level, that felt good (safe) for her and she was enjoying herself.. “I don’t think I want to go any deeper” she said.

No problem. 

Apart from the fact she actually really did want to get her shoulders in, maybe swim a little, prove to herself she could do it and not allow fear to hold her back. She wasn’t the one calling the shots, fear was and when we spoke about it I could see there was a genuine disappointment there that she hadn’t been able to do what she wanted. 

So on Sunday evening off we went to the lake again with mum determined to go all the way in. And again she waded out up to her waist. I watched from the sidelines as she played with the water, took in the views and didn’t go any deeper or swim. I went out to join her.

“What you thinking mum” I said. 

She turned to me and I could see the anxiety visible in her body and eyes. “I’m just scared Emily. I don’t feel stable, I’m worried I won’t be able to get my footing if I fall, I’m nervous how my body will react to the cold”

“Do you want to do this” I asked.

Her response “YES!”

Game on! 

I gave her two options - “On the count of three you take a step forward and start swimming, no more thinking, just doing (and I’m here if you need me) OR we hold hands and on the count of three we dunk down together to our neck… shoulders in!” She was still in the driving seat but instead of focusing on all the “what ifs” and experiencing analysis paralysis her focus switched to having to decide between two things. 

“Let’s hold hands” she said.

And that’s what we did. I told her what we were going to do. Told her we were doing it on the count of three and then we just got on and DID IT!

And not only did Mum get her shoulders under, she had a little swim after too :)

Fear beaten! WIN! 

I felt so proud of her and so lucky to have shared this moment, playing a little part in helping her overcome her fear. It was a huge reminder to me how THIS is the stuff I live for too - helping people believe in themselves and achieve more than they thought possible. And of course mum was chuffed, finishing her trip on a real high! The absolute best thing to see.

So here we are again - being reminded about how important it is to regularly exercise that fear muscle - and the sense of accomplishment we feel when we do. How it’s the overcoming that creates resilience, confidence and belief. You don’t wait to feel those things before, they are a result of the doing! If you spend too long in your comfort zone it becomes harder and harder to challenge the noise of fear and in playing safe you may just be missing out on some of the best and proudest moments of your life.

And that leads me to Board Sports and learning as an adult (especially a slightly older one). Learning an action sport is an activity that is riddled with fear. Fear of looking stupid, fear of getting hurt, fear of committing, fear of judgement, fear of falling, fear of not being very good…. the list goes on. Which means learning an action sport is also an activity riddled with opportunity. Opportunity to challenge ourselves, work our fear muscle, prove ourselves wrong, be brave, be bold, achieve things we never thought possible, make new friends, create new stories.

The fears don’t go away but the more we are forced to face and overcome them the more we learn about the joy and sense of accomplishment that’s on the other side of them. And that bleeds into every area of our life. Board Sports give us a chance to exercise that fear muscle on the regular and in a world where convenience, comfort and colouring inside the lines is becoming the norm - leading to depression, emptiness and lack of purpose - I’m beginning to think learning to Surf/Skate or Snowboard may just be the best self-care act there is!*

As soon as mum landed back home she messaged me to say she couldn’t wait to visit again next year. How awesome is that?! She’s shown herself that she’s more than capable, expanded her sense of possible and in doing so welcomed more adventures into her life.

WIN, WIN, WIN!

*Closes the laptop and heads out for a Skate